


How Can I Forgive Myself?

by bad_ash10



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel
Genre: Angst, Death, F/M, Sadness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-14
Updated: 2018-02-14
Packaged: 2019-03-18 05:06:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13674855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bad_ash10/pseuds/bad_ash10
Summary: Coulson isn't able to be saved after returning from space.





	How Can I Forgive Myself?

Most people thought Melinda May was made of stone. Or ice. But she did have feelings; she just did not always show them. Within the last few days though, she had shown more emotion in front of her team than she had at any point since they all got on the bus together.

\----------

“NO! Phil, I said no, damnit!” She was shouting at him as he coded on Simmons’ work table. "You are NOT allowed to die again!"

  
Simmons shoved past her taking vitals, and injecting epinephrine and who knows what else into Coulson’s IV.

  
Daisy took her arm and tried to move her out of the way. Melinda flinched at the touch but allowed Daisy to guide her out of Simmons’ way.

  
Melinda could hear nothing but the blood pounding in her ears and it seemed like time had slowed nearly to a hault. It felt like they stood there for an eternity as Simmons tried to save Phil Coulson’s life.

  
Eventually Simmons stopped compressions and attempting to revive him with the defibrilator, and May could see her shoulders shaking with sobs. Fitz came and put an arm around Jemma and gently led her through the doorway.

  
As Melinda made her way toward his body, out of her peripherals, she saw Daisy slide down the wall in silent tears. She couldn’t figure out whether to cry in her despair or scream in frustration and anger. Instead she smoothed the hair on his head before taking his hand in both of hers.

_This isn’t happening. Not again._

“Phil?” His hand was still warm in hers, but there was no pulse in his wrist. She reached out one of her hands and caressed his cheek feeling the stubble there. She suddenly sagged against the table, resting her cheek on his chest as tears started flowing. “Please don’t leave me.”

\-----------

Sometime later, Daisy touched her shoulder. “Simmons wants to get started with the autopsy, but only if you’re ready.” May had apparently fallen asleep net to his body. When she looked at his face, now saw little resemblance to the Phil she knew. It was him but lacking the smirk he usually wore when talking to her, or the slight wrinkles around his eyes when he smiled.

“Tell her to go ahead.” She wanted to know exactly what had happened to her best friend just as much as Simmons did.

\-----------

“May?”

Daisy’s voice rang like a shot in silent room, snapping Melinda out of her reverie. Looking up to see the younger girl standing in the doorway with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses, she almost smiled. Phil had stood in the same spot last week with the bottle of Haig, but the memory was bittersweet now.

“Do you want a drink? Everyone else is coupled up, and I think Coulson would like…” Daisy’s voice caught in her throat, and she had to pause for a moment before continuing with a humorless laugh. “Ya know what? I’m not gonna go there. Let’s just drink.”

Melinda gestured to the chair across from her at the small table, and Daisy sat down heavily before filling both of their glasses with far too much liquor. The pair sat in silence, sipping from their glasses for several minutes.

May had slipped back into her trance, constantly replaying those last few moments. Simmons had done her best, but Phil had waited far too long to tell anyone he was sick. They had been back on Earth, in their own time, for a month before anyone had started to notice his symptoms.

“It’s not your fault, May. You weren’t the only one who didn’t notice.”

May scoffed. “Yeah, I’m just the one who should’ve noticed first.”

\-----------

Two days later they scattered his ashes. As everyone released a small handful to the wind, they had all spoken, giving a small tribute to the man they had all admired and loved. Melinda was the last one to speak. She had now lost him twice, and she stood staring at her closed fist while the team waited for her to speak.

“Letting you go was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Then you waltzed back in and signed me up for your team to take me back into the field. Fury let you down the first time, and I….” she lowered her voice to barely more than a whisper. “I let you down this time. I hope you can forgive me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Really, I'm just an emotional wreck and knew May would probably blame herself if Phil died, so sorry for being depressing!


End file.
